You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize