you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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