Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
