every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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