I will die if light touches me.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
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