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Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
