i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
