my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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