I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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