My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
