I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
