Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
me + whiskey = a bad person
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
