Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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