Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
