I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
