I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
