Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Randomize
