I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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