i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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