too bad you live with your parents still
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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