Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
