I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I supernannyed him into submission
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
