Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
