I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
