Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize