if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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