So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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