I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My hand turned me down
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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