you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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