i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
