I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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