peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You ate ashes out of my bong
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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