it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
