a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I need moral support for this bender
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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