I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
