Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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