Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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