I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
