I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
