after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize