it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
