Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Girls should come with a carfax report
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
