Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
