At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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