WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
