i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
