tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
