I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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