I just pynch a tree in the face
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
