The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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