When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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