listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Randomize
