Potential corruption. He's 19.
Get them while they're young!
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
