I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
