i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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